My Everyday Resolution: Be Me

My older son was around five, we were in the shoe aisle at a local store, and he was frustrated by what was available to him. He was about to remind me of an important life lesson, but I was more focused on the limited variety of shoes for young boys.  

“I don’t want camo! I don’t want black!”  

“I know, but there are no Thomas the Train shoes left in your size. Black might have to do. We just need a pair of shoes for now.”  

He picked up the pair of sparkly pink crocs he had been asking for and slipped them on. “They fit perfect! I want these!” he declared. 

Whenever practical, I fight against the stereotypes that box in boys or girls (or men or women). Here was a test for me.   

“Are you sure, honey?” 

“Yes!” His eyes had lit up when he saw them and he was now jumping up and down in the shoe aisle, so all signs pointed to sincerity. 

With Anton, around the time of the story of the shoes

“I want you to get whatever you like and whatever feels comfortable, but I also want to make sure you feel comfortable emotionally at school. I wonder what other kids might say to you and how that might make you feel…” 

And then he had a magical moment when he found the words to express his logic and his emotions so clearly there was no way for me not to hear him: “You always tell me not to worry about what other people say about me! You always tell me to just be me. I love these shoes. They make me happy. They make me smile. Isn’t that important?” 

We bought the shoes. And then he opted to wear them only at home which, after his amazing speech in the store, made me feel sad and angry at myself that perhaps I had spoiled it for him, convinced him that being himself wasn’t always ok. 

Over the years, I have taken a lot from this moment. It’s true that it challenged me and my feminist beliefs. It made me think about the line between protecting my son from others’ prejudices and endorsing those prejudices myself. It made me think about how gendered stereotypes are learned, not native to us. (After all, pink was considered a boy’s color in the early 20th century in the US, one of many examples of how as a society and as individuals we set—and change—gender norms.) 

I think about how we didn’t yet know that he sees colors differently than I do. He isn’t blind to color, although he “fails” the test at the eye doctor as he can’t see the distinctions among the green, brown, red, and tan dots that form numbers and letters for me. Instead, he sees colors differently and he deeply appreciates bright and vivid colors. This gift helps him be daring in putting colors together, and although at first I often question his design decision, the results are always beautiful. 

Most often, this story takes me back to one of the most important life lessons, an epiphany we all need to have again and again: the best choice we can make is to be ourselves—to be our authentic selves. As simple as it sounds, it is equal parts difficult and easy to do this most days.  

We all worry about what people think. Turns out it doesn’t get magically easier as we get older. I’ve suspected that for a while and have had it confirmed recently. When talking with people about my book, I find that no matter what the age of the other person, the things I said about ‘post-conversational paranoia’ resonate with almost everyone. I wrote in Ungrieving, 

One of my talents is post-conversational paranoia. I’ve met others who are also exceptionally talented at reconsidering comments they’ve made and extrapolating from them all the horrible assumptions those who heard them are now making. I have done this overthinking after social situations, meetings, classes, emails, phone conversations, and all manner of moments in which I opened my mouth and words came out. I can remember random comments I made months ago that I guarantee the listener does not remember, and I still wonder, “Did I do more harm than good there?”

That reaction and thinking wouldn’t happen if we didn’t worry about what someone else thought. 

And of course we should, to some degree, be conscious of this. I’m not suggesting I think we should learn to just not care about other people or how what we say or do impacts them.  

What I do think is an everyday resolution for each of us is to strive to balance concern with others and our impact on them with a dedication to being our authentic selves.  

I’ve had this as a regular resolution for decades. When I was finishing up my doctorate and looking for a full-time job, I interviewed at the University of Wisconsin-Marinette with a committee and then-Campus CEO/Dean Sid Bremer. During my last conversation with her during my multi-day visit and interview, she thanked me for being so honest.  

“People on campus are saying that they feel they got to know the real Jennifer. I appreciate how authentic you were.” 

For a moment, I panicked. Maybe in an interview you weren’t supposed to be your authentic self so fully. Maybe you were supposed to pretend, at least a little bit. In the moment, before I could stop myself, I made a comment like, “Of course! Who else would I be but me?” There I was, being my authentic self again.  

Since then, I’ve sat on a lot of interview committees, including at UW-Marinette for almost twenty years (I got that job), and I know why she commented on it. It’s relatively uncommon for people to feel comfortable being their full authentic selves in an interview. When they are, it feels magical. It’s memorable. It feels like you are meeting a real person—a full person.  

I’ve carried that insight with me, and I try hard every day to remember to be as fully my authentic self as I can be. That self is still growing and changing, of course. I’m trying to own and learn from my mistakes, to remember my impact on others matters, to recognize that everyone else’s journey is their own just as mine is mine. Being our authentic selves doesn’t mean we stop growing or learning or becoming more self-aware. Being our authentic selves means recognizing that growth more fully, being ok with our learning, and still—despite our flaws—being ok being us. 

Yes, sometimes being my authentic self means afterwards I have post-conversational (or post-wardrobe choice) paranoia. (Did I look too formal? Too official? Too casual? That’s a whole other challenge!) That’s why the importance of letting go of that overthinking and instead being my authentic self needs to be a “repeat epiphany” and why this is an everyday resolution for me. “Everyday” means common or ordinary, but I would argue that this resolution is something quite extraordinary even though it may have to reoccur daily, just as each of us is quite extraordinary.  

My five-year old son hadn’t quite learned society’s rules for worrying about what other people think of you. Like most children, he was just being himself to the best of his ability. He picked out the shoes he liked the most and he helped me relearn an important lesson. Being a mom has helped me a lot with being my authentic self.  

Entertaining my kids in a long line is when I re-learned that it’s ok to dance in public even though I’m a terrible dancer.  

I’m a terrible dancer! I will be my authentic self and own it. 

Reading to my kids is when I re-learned how much fun it is to use silly voices. 

I will use silly voices! I will be my authentic self and own it. 

Being a parent is when I re-learned so much humility because I mess up so often and make it about me when it’s about them. 

I will apologize lots! I will be my authentic self and own it. 

Telling my kids stories about my past to help them learn has helped me re-learn how normal it is to feel so many feelings and how much all of us survive in our lifetimes. 

I will talk about my feelings! I will be my authentic self and own it. 

Watching my kids dream big dreams and wanting to encourage them has helped me re-learn that dreaming big and pursuing dreams is ok. 

This past year, I started a blog and published a book and followed my childhood dreams. I will be my authentic self and own it.  

No matter what day of the year it is, I believe there is one resolution we should try to keep: to be us. After all, we’ve had the most practice at it. It’s probably a good choice. And when it happens, when we are ok being our full selves and we just ‘are,’ I don’t think we need to be paranoid afterwards about what people think. I think we just need to feel the magic of those moments and seek out those who encourage it. It’s not easy, so today (and every day) I resolve again.